Anniversaries and Reflections
by Summer's White Phoenix
Summary: It's one of the anniversaries of one of Jean's deaths. Scott goes for a drive and hears One on the radio the first song they danced to at their wedding . Reflections on his relationships with Jean and Emma


Anniversaries and Reflections

I just picked up a replacement copy of X-Men 30, the wedding of Jean and Scott. I'm a huge U2 fan and never understood the song choice of One for the first dance. Anyways, all day today I kept hearing One on my ipod shuffle, my computer the radio so I wrote this. Hope you all enjoy

I don't own them or control them. If I did Jean would be alive and Emma would be out of the picture. Therefore there is no need to sue this poor individual!

I need to get out of the mansion today. I need to be away from everyone.

It's the anniversary of the first time I thought I lost Jean. I can't stand to be around anyone. I tell Emma that I'm going for a drive, she offers her company. I turn her down without a second thought. I need to be alone. I could go visit Jean's grave, but I can't bring myself to go there. So instead I drive with no destination in mind.

Despite what the others think, I still love Jean, even if I'm with Emma now. I tell Emma that I love her, but it's not the same as what I feel for Jean. It will never be the same.

I'm driving down roads I've never been on and I'm okay with the idea of getting lost physically, I'm already lost mentally. The radio starts playing "One" by U2, the first song Jean and I danced to at our wedding and I break down. I have to pull the car over and I start to sob. Jean insisted on this song. We both loved U2 and many great memories were made with U2 as the soundtrack, like the time Jean was able to get me out of one of my brooding moods by belly dancing along with Mysterious Ways. I can't help but smile at that memory and the late night that followed. Anyways, I wanted All I Want Is You or the First time, but Jean eventually won.

I listen as the Edge's chords lead to Bono's pained voice.

_Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now  
You got someone to blame?  
You say..._

One love, One life. When it's one need, In the night.  
One love, We get to share it, Leaves you baby if you don't care for it 

Another sob racks my body. I can't help but think of the way Jean would sing it. I remember when she suggested it, I was dead set against it. Sure, U2 at the time didn't have many sappy love songs, but I was sure we could find one that didn't sound like a fight. Jean slowly worked to win the argument.

_Did I disappoint you? Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?  
You act like you never had love And you want me to go without_

I hear Jean's voice asking the same questions and demanding answers in my head.

Jean you could never disappoint me, and God I know that I was difficult to really get an emotional read on, but I loved you so much. I still love you so much. I want to turn off the radio, but something inside me holds me back. I cradle my head in my hands and continue to listen.

_Well it's Too late, Tonight  
To drag the past out into the light  
We're one, but we're not the same  
We get to Carry each other Carry each other. One... _

_Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus To the lepers in your head?_

Did I ask too much More than a lot?  
You gave me nothing Now it's all I got  
We're one But we're not the same  
Well we Hurt each other Then we do it again 

Images of Logan and Betsy and Emma flash in my mind. God, we were cruel to each other. I also think of the demands I placed on myself and how low on the priority list Jean could be at times. I have a feeling the "gave me nothing now it's all I got" line was intended for me. I sure as hell feel like I could have given her more. I should have given her more. I want to give her more.

_You say Love is a temple Love a higher law Love is a temple Love the higher law  
You ask me to enter  
But then you make me crawl  
And I can't be holding on  
To what you got  
When all you got is hurt _

Again, I feel like these lines were written for how I treated Jean. I'm such an ass._  
_

_One love One blood One life  
You got to do what you should  
One life With each other Sisters Brothers  
One life But we're not the same  
We get to Carry each other Carry each other_

One...life

One

The song fades put and I slowly gain my composure. I've listened to this song hundreds of times and it feels like this is the first time I've really heard it. I hear the pain, I understand it. The band was on the verge of breaking up when they figured this song out. Not quite the same as losing my wife, but painful nonetheless.

Damn the universe for mocking me by playing this today, but I know I needed to hear it. I'm too proud to put the disc on myself. I'm sure Emma would question my taste in music and probably ridicule it.

A little part of me questions if maybe Jean had known where we would end up. That we would both end up leaving the other at one point. And that we would both selfishly believe that the other could never understand the darkness that inhabited our souls. That's why I turned to Emma, at one point she was evil to me so she could understand what Apocalypse did to me. I ignored that Jean faced her own daily struggle with the Phoenix force.

I wonder if the Phoenix Force will bring her back again. Would I leave Emma or forsake Jean?

I start the car and drive until I find a hotel. I can't go home tonight. I don't want to share my bed tonight. I don't want to keep my mental shields up. I need to be alone with my thoughts.

I need to be alone with my memories of my wife.

**END**


End file.
